Sidebar My life, according to me

My life, according to me

well, im 16, i live in canada, and my life is VERY complicated. I like to write, but my thoughts come out of my head to fast for me to write them down, otherwise, I'd keep a regular journal. No one I know has this address, so I tell it like it is... no holding back. Hmmm i guess this is my life, eh?

Monday, July 31, 2006

i missed a few days, so i'll have to fill you in

monday, july 31, 2006

Well, i just got back to milton yesterday- i went back home for the weekend. My weekend was okay, i guess. Well, okay- this is what happened: On friday, Tanya, marck scott and me went to Canada's wonderland for the day- the ENTIRE day 10 am to 10 pm. My legs hurt SO bad! But it was okay, i guess. We went on lots of rides and went to the water park- ewe, i know ME in a bathing suit- gross, but i had to suck it up cuz it was hot and tanya made me. Any way, we all were pooped, so we decided that they'd drive me home in the morning.

Tanya said we'd leave at one, so i told you know who that id be home around 2:30, the thing is, that we ACTUALLY left around 2:30 and the 401 had SO much traffic, so i got home at 4:09. When i got home, i was like, where is everybody? CUz, well, no one was home. I had a key- so i got in okay, but still. I called my mom, but she didnt answer her phone, so i called her again, and again- not, like every 3 seconds- i called, waited 5 min, then called again. FInally, i called you know who, and i was like, okay my mom's not hime, i know im late, but i still wanna hang out, he was like 'fair enough' so i told him id call him back wen i got a hold of my mom. I was gettiing really frustrated with my mom- like really! why would someone have a cell phone- which is there for emergencies, if they never had it on? kinda defeats the purpose, dontcha think? Anyway, i called my grandma- who had alos not heard frim my mother, and said that my aunt julie was also looking for her. I was like what the hell? I had alreadys had my grandma on the phone, so i asked her what i should do: i put some moistureizer cream on my legs, and it was now burning- i tried to rince off my leg in water- but it didnt seem to help- her solution: rince my leg off with soap and water. Grandma is VERY smart.

Anyway, finally, at 5:30, my mom called me back, and was like 'what's up?' thinking there was a problem. I asked her when she'd be home, she said she didn't know, so i asked her when she could drive me over to you know who's house- omg! she was in St. Catherines aka niagra falls- which, for thoes of you who live under a rock- thats 4 hours from my house! Like, ugh! how rude. I asked what i was supposed to do, and she's all, tell him to come over here. EWE! Our house is under some major construction:­ dry wall, painting, reflooring, you name it, its being done- so i was like NO WAY, HOSEA!

SO, i called you know who back and was like, okay, my mom's in niagra falls, so, she cant drive me over- so, i dunno, i could walk, but its hot and rainy, umm, u could walk- but i wouldnt want you to do that, or, i dunno, raincheck? He told me that he'd come and pick me up- which he did (his grandma driving). Awwwww. It was kinda weird in the car, like i was nervous and smiling and blushing, and he was quite, i was like UGH! When we got to his house, we watched 'the butterfly effect' - no, we really didnt watch it, we talked through the whole thing- him inching over to me occasionaly. AHHHHH, finally, he's like en and en- gesturing that he put his arm under me, ahhhhhhh. I was like, ewe, why did u have to ASK? couldn't you like, surprise me or something?! appaently not. AWKWARD- but afterwards, its was nice. Then when that movie was over we ' watched ' 'pirates of the caribbean' - his fav movie. Again, we didnt really watch it, just talked.

When both movies were over, we decided to go out side for a bit- he wanted to 'look at the stars' lol, i kno, i kno. ?He brought a blanket for us to lay on, cuz the grass was wet from it raining today- we layed on our backs and looked at the sky, and he suggested we play truth or dare. He kept choosing dare, hoping i'd dare him to kiss me (which i never did) and i kept choosing truth, so he couldn't dare me to kiss me- moo hoo ha ha ha! Anyway, the mosquitos were really biting, so, i like, put my leg over his leg, so that he could cover my leg with his other leg, but that didn't really work. Much to my resistnce, i ended up wraping my self in the blanket, while he layed on the wet grass, awwwww. And we couldn't really, you know, so he's like 'why dont you lay on top of me' yes, i am such a whore, but it wasn't really like that. cuz we were both fully dressed- minus the shoes, plus a blanket on me. my face was like 2 inches from his face- and all my weight on him- i didn't want to squish him but nooooooo. Had to have it his way. I think he wanted to kiss me, but we never did. What do you think i am? Maybe next time. Like, okay, if i give him what he wants now- what use do i have for him later? i kno,i kno. im a smart cookie.His mom drove me home at 11- my mom was already home, but i sooo shut up so that she didnt know that i was home- yeah, it was a good night. Omg, this is a long entry- ill finish it later today.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

I am really happy today. I don't know why, exactly, i just feel, i dunno, like everything's okay. Tanya, Mark and SCott went to niagra today, i figured that i'd let them bond, so i stayed at home. I had avery long bath, a jog, umm, laid around, did a load of laundry- u kno, nuthing much.

You know who is sucha prick. Hmm, why are all guys the same? What am I going to do? I have so mcuh i wanna say, but, my head is pounding. Tommorow. I promise

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

about my mom

My family is kinda confusing. What am i talking about? My whole life is kinda confusing. Well, okay, let me try and explain. My mom and dad dated in highschool, I was conceived and they got engaged. my dad turned out to be an idoit, so they broke up, and the wedding was off- 2 weks before. My mom turned out to be as much of an idoit as my father, cuz she went back to him- and my sister was concieved. My mother's first inhabitions had proved to be right, because they split up again- this time for good. At this time, we lived in Toronto. My mom was determined to make a better life for us, so we moved; to Brampton, to Missasauga, to Milton, to Prince george, to Sackville, to kitchener, and finally to the town we live in now.

About the time that we lived in Kitchener, mom met a man named Franz. She and him had my brother, rylee -who is now 2. Mom finally bought a house, but it needs alot of work. Personally, i think Franz is a jack ass, and mom is only staying with him because she dosent think any one else will want her, but, hey, i could be wrong.

Mom is stressed alot. Brittany - my sister from my real dad, is quite the wild child and definately gives mom a run for her money. I'm supposed to be 'the good one', so i don't do anything that i know will stress her out, cuz i know she's getting towards the edge of the cliff. hmmm.

Me and my mom have an okay relationship. I mean, according to her, it was better than hers and her moms, but i think it could be better. Sometimes i really dont like my mom. I know she tries, but i sometimes feels that i just don't like the perosn she is- like u know how some personalities don't mix? Well, my mom does somethings, that i dont agree with and says somethings, that i think she shouldn't.

I'll elaborate more one day, but not today. It's 2:35 am, kinda tired, but u know who says hes b on at 3, so ill wait- his bro needed the computer, so he had to go.

I think i might go home this weekend, like, just for the weekend- maybe hang out with you know who, and my little brother, catch up with my mom. You know, just chill. But yeah.

I really wish i could organize my bvlog site better. like, folders-for family, boys, secrets you know, but im technologically handicaped, so, im screwed.

Monday, July 24, 2006

omg, my life...

okay, well, i just got back from my interview- at Ardenes. It went pretty well if i don't say so myself. I am rather proud. I looked like an idoit, but that's okay.

You know what? kayla is a fool. Can someone please tell me why i bother speaking? I'm not reffering to a particular incident, just my life in gerneral.

I went for a nap- cuz i was up at 3... and couldn't go bac to sleep. When i woke up, my head was pounding and my stomach aching, ugh... need food....

I got back from my interview at about 3 and u know who logeed on for a bit- qute the bum, but he had to go, he'll b on later. yae for me... i got a new shirt from china town. it's blue and shiney. i really like it, supposedly it looks half decent on me, but would they say that i look like a fool to my face? no, probably not...

omg. ppl kept talking to me, so now, its like 4:30- i started writting this a t 3. Jons back. were iming. SOoooooooo cute... later

what shall i do today?

Moo hoo ha ha ha. i have a new site. im not shur if i like it... but we will see. it is 6 am. i fell asleep watching a stupid movie last night, so i couldn't talk to u know hoo. maybe today. I wonder what i'll do today? OOOh, i have an interview today- at Ardenes. This should be fun- cough- yeah right. I'm gonna die! Well, i don't really know what to say. I'll update later...

well, I'M on cloud nine.... tee hee

About eleven hours later, i'm still on cloud 9- which i think REALLY helped with my job interviews. Hmm things like this don't usually happen for me- you know, the guy i like, liking me. Maybe... he dosen't REALLY like me... and was just being nice, or trying to get a reaction... I don't want to think about that. I applied for soo many jobs today, omg, im gonna die. You WOULD NOT beleive how shy i am, or how... not confident i am, applying for jobs- torture. I was so embarassed, not shur why tho...I'll have to get over it i guess. Any way, i haven't talked to .... yet, maybe later- I have had THE biggest smile on my face all day- can't seem to stop- and now my face kinda hurts. moo hoo ha ha ha later.

he read my journal!

OMG my life... my life... my life! what am i going to do? Of course you're confused. Don't worry, i'll fill you in. Okay. Different boy- not new, just different. His name hmmmmm not important. Anyway. Last night we were talking on msn, only, we never stopped unti this morning- i know, what could two people POSSIBLY have to say to eachother that takes 12 hours? I don't know. We talked about everything- we don't know eachother well, so, it worked out fine. He's soooo cute. shhh. moving on... any way, the other jon guy, total jack ass. He's not quite over his ex girlfriend i don't think. But this new guy.... hee hee hee. SO, i came to the conclusion that, well i liked this guy. And, it was 7 am, and we talking but, you know we were tired so it was kinda, you know, some words here and there, but neither one of us wanting to log off.. ya we're weird. ANYWAY so, i was like, fine, i ll just write in my journal- (refering to my old site- yes i changed it after this incident). I wrote something like oh this guy is sooooooo cute and like i like him blah blah i wonder if he likes me. he asked what i was doing. i said journaling, he was like, whats the site, so i was like, blot 2 blah blah he tagged something that said 'hi' so i knew it was him and i tagged back, calling him a loser... anyway, i closed of the journal i was writting, promising to finish later, not realizing the contents of that half written entry. OMG- he read it. THEN we were on msn and he was like 'yes' i was like, yes wha-- OMG OMG OMG' i was gonna have a panic attack. He said he DID like me. Imagine what my reaction would have been if he didn't. OMG i was like- somebody just kill me now... i was blushing profusly i was so embarassed. How could i have been so stupid. Of course, i was wishing for death, but smiling idioticly at the same time... omg so... he likes me. yae for kayla.

kaysee is an idoit!

omg! why do i bother talking? I am an idoit!!! Okay, you know that guy i like? Jon, WELL, yesterday, he comes on msn and starts talking to me, and is like, o, you wanna hear this song i wrote - he plays gutiar- i was like, i guess. but the sound thingey wouldn't work. So he tells me that he just played it for this girl and she really liked it!!! WTF? cuz you know i luuurrv hearing about all your other little girfriends! sheesh. I should have just went to bed,but nooooo. Me and my big mouth, i was like ' don't you just love how ppl say they care, when really they don't, or how, they act like they're your friend, when really, they're not? or how the change their mind so friggen much? no wonder they haven't found mrs. right! cuz they DON'T KNOW WHO THEY'RE LOOKING FOR. yeah, well, needless to say, i just dug my grave a little deeper. l8er


Last boy: Jon. Cute, i don't know if he's cool. This one goes to the school I will be going to in the fall. I've seen him on cam and in pics, he's not bad. The skater boy type- my type. But you know what? he's preppy- which i am, but i have never met a guy who is both ppl before- skater and preppy. Way cool. Now, we've never met in person- we were intoduced by a mutual friend.He seems to like me. I mean, he asks me questions like ' how far have you gone' and whatever, and gives me pet names, and always seems eager to talk to me... but maybe that's just the kind of guy he is. I think he might still have feelings for his ex. WAAAAA. I don't know, i guess we'll just see how it goes.

omg- boys are STILL stupid

Next boy: Colton. Definately not cool or attractive, but very sweet. Why do these guys like me? They think i'm something i'm not. You know that toxic song- by britney spears? Maybe I am like, poisioning them, omg, i should be in prision! Any way, this boy is also in the school that I'm leaving. so the whole long distance thing, plus i don't like him enough to kiss him, so it's obviously not going to work, but how do i say that? How do i say 'Colton, you're absolutely repulsive and i think that if you kissed me, i would vomit in my mouth, so i think we should stay friends' in a nice way? See i'm not good with this kinda stuff... Maybe i should just pretend i died, he'll never know the difference... OR ... tell him i'm really a... goat. OMG. What am i going to do? I really don't want to hurt his feelings, but i really don't want to go out with him.

omg, boys are stupid

well, here i am... in milton. i've been here abut 6 hours now... Tommorow, i will look for a job. Maybe Tim Horton's or McDonalds- embarrassing, yes, but they have good hours and overtime. I also have to finish up my community hours, so I'm gonna have to put a volunteer application into a humane society or something. I dunno. I'll figure something out. Omg, remember, i was talking about there being a few boys in my life, well, today i will talk about one, Kyler. He is so WEIRD. I mean, the other day he asked me 'do you think we're here for a purpose' like really? who asks things like that? He is very intelligent, not what you would consider 'cool' or good looking for that matter, but i am, for some reason drawn to him. He seems like 'that safe road' you know what i mean? HOWEVER, i am going to a different school in the fall- and he is, not comming (dur), so it would be a long distance relationship- and believe me, i know how they turn out. I don't want to start dating him, never see him and start liking someone else- cuz i KNOW that will happen, cuz i don't REALLY like him, i just meh like him. He's a really good friend though. Holy hell is he persistant, annoying more like it. I like it better when guys aren't so... available. CONCLUSION: I think he'd make a better best friend as opposed to a boy friend- i won't have to kiss him. Now, how do i say this to him?

okay, so there's this boy...

the story of my life... okay, so there's a few boys. I'm not really used to this attention, i'm not what you would consider 'pretty' and i know it, so i don't pretend to be anything other than what i am. Anyway, im changing schools so i have no choice but to make new friends... and i have, kinda. This boy, he's kinda, i don't know, typical, and then there's this other one, very smart and likes to talk, we talk so much... but recently he's been talking alot about sex- why does it ALWAYS have to come to this?And then there's this other one, who i don't even like remotely, but i feel bad, you know? I don't think i lead boys on, but that may be my problem...mmm i'm so confused, boys are confusing. And they have the nerve to tell girls that WE have isues? As if

im scared crapless of my new school...

know, my last entry was really vauge, but you know how it is... rapists stalkers... any way,.. school is starting soon. I'm changing schools- as i mentioned before, i'm going from a catholic, uniform wearing, Jesus worshiping school, to a public- any thing goes school. I'm nervous. I know i'm gonna try out for teams, but i don't know or cheerleading? I know i'll go out for rugby and maybe, just maybe wrestling, but the football/ cheerleading thing, i don't know. My dad thinks football, my mom thinks cheerleading. I do not have the slightest clue... I am most afraid of the cafeteria, I have seen thoes teen movies where ppl trip other ppl, and their trys go every where. Omg i think i'm gonna hypervenalate. I'm going into gr. 11, no one makes new friends in grade eleven, they make their friends in gr 9 what am i gonna do? need to think some more, l8er


it's 10:50 am here in Canada, the weather calls for 30 degrees no clouds with some light showers- in case ur wondering- 30 is hot for us. Mmm, i should be packing, im leaving for milton tommorow. I'm gonna work for the rest of the summer. I'd work here, but i live point blank in the middle of nowhere, so i have no way to get there or back- i only have my G1...

... what am i going to do with myself?!

I don't know what im doing with my life. I mean. OMG. I want to be a doctor, but i don't know if i'm smart enough to make it through medical school. And i like to act all 'independent' but i don't know if i could handle not being married or having kids because i don't have time... cu z ill be a doctor...

omg- i cant believe that THIS is my life

you know what? i think i think too much. I mess up things that way- or do i see the inevedible that way- and save myself from unessasary pain? i don't know- but I DO know that i will think about it. My last boyfriend uuuurggghhh. I really don't even want to get started!!! We went out for 6 months- which i feel was 7 months too long! and never once did he hold my hand in public, let alone kiss me in public. No one knew we were dating (except, me him our parents and my best friend) and my best friend only knew because i told her!!!! In the beginning, i was like 'let's not tell anybody' cuz, you know how high school kids are 'oooh, so how's you know who...' 'oh, where's what's her face...' and that's not what we needed. Relation ships are already hard, without having to deal with people screwing with your heads. Anyway, after dating for 5 months i asked him why he never acknoleged me in public. He told me he never knew he was supposed to (I know i know) i wanted to slap him in the face. He lies like a rug. ANYWAY... moving on, i told him, well, you're not embarrased of me, are you? he said no (LIAR) I said, you're not ashamed of me, are you , he said , no (LIAR). Well, then i couldn't see the problem. I'm .. i don't know. I don't think very highly of myself. I have some guys liking me. Why? I have no effing idea. I ask, they say they don't know, they just do, which, believe me, dosen't feel very good. So, I figure i was just some ass- which by the way he didn't get very much of (ha ha ha). And i don't know, i still feel kinda crappy about it. BLAH. screw him

.. deep breath... here we go...

Okay, i dated this guy for, i don't know, almost four years, okay? Jesse is his name. DAMN YOU, JESSE. Moving on, okay, we had been through ALOT together. I was there when his nephew died and when his sister got married and he was there when my nana died and my grampa was diagnosed with lung cancer... needless to say, i thought he was, you know, my soul mate (which i don't beieve in anymore) cuz they say you meet them when you're younger.... Any way. We'd talk alot, cuz what the H else were we supposed to do? we were like 12 when we first started going out... and lived like 20 min away. We never really did anything but kiss... until, he asked me if i wanted to have sex with him (i know, i know) of course i wouldn't - oh, at the time i was like, 15... not much difference, but still. SO, i said no, he said 'but i love you'- i laughed, i said 'will you love me tommorow' he said, yes(i thought pff like hell you will) then i said ' will you love me next week' again, he lied and said yes, so i said will you love me in a year (he lies like a rug,) he said yes, THEN i said, will you love me in 10 years- stupid him, he of course said yes, so then i told him that if he still loved me in 10 years, he will marry me and THEN we will have sex. He didn't like that answer. Moving on, we talked about this for quite sometime, 'bout 'saving your self'. I beleive that if you don't save ur virginity till marriage- that's just telling who ever you marry that they weren't worth waiting for... so i plan to wait.... i have to go, i'll finish this up after supper

... i can only shake my head in disbelief...

Okay, i'm back, jesse... oh yes. Oh, so, we broke up and got back together, broke up, got back together- you know, teen romace. So, everytime we broke up, we'd get back together. This last time, we broke up, and i figured we'd get back together, yeah, that was BEFORE he got together with my friends girlfriend. WTF? Anyway, this was cool, i was all ' let him see what else is out there.' 6 months, he didn't call, email you know, nothing. So i was like, okay, maybe it's really over (normally we broke up for like, 1 week -tops!) so, i was on msn one day(7 months later) and he says 'hi' i was like holy crap! and i was like ' hello...' and he told me that he missed me and loved me ( i thought, pfff im shurrrr you do- LIAR) and anyway i asked him how his new gf was, he said they broke up (PFFFFT break up with her and i'm an on call? LIKE HELL - of course i never said that...) And we talked, and i didn't like him anymore (ha ha ha) he wanted to get together again.. i was verry tempted- im not gonna lie,ill tell the truth, i mean, who you gonna tell (moo hoo ha ha ha). Any who, i asked what i neeed to know- who far'd you go? cuz the whole sex thing is important to me. Knowing he would say, about as far as me and you, i asked, not nervous. HE HAD SEX WITH HER. can someone say jackass one more time please?

my ex is an idoit

Here he is, telling me he loves me, hurting me, and breaking every ounce of trust i have given him. My life, omg, i can feel it falling apart. I planned to be with him, and only him, when i went to sleep, it was him i prayed for and wished for, and now? who do i have but myself ( im not that bad but, still!) I can laugh about it now, well i laugh and then start to cry. Soon, though, i'll get there.